Tonight we started a book study of God On Mute by Pete Greig and Brian McLaren with the youth group. Josh, one of the leaders, usually takes care of it but he had to work tonight so I covered for him. At the beginning of the book there is a poem that was found on the wall in a house where some Jewish people were hiding from the Gestapo.
The poem reads:
I believe in the sun even when its not shining,
I believe in love even when im alone,
I believe in God even when he is silent.
I dont know about you but that strikes a chord inside of me that has needed to be struck for awhile. It is interesting that even in a ministry position I still doubt Gods existence at time. In reality im not sure that its doubt because there is something inside of me that screams for the LORD. Even when he is silent my heart screams for him. But still there are times when I am a doubter. Really I am just a Thomas at heart I want the proof. Yet I see the proof all around me in my wife, my boy, my youth kids, my back yard, and the water I drink. Yet sometimes I doubt.
I say all this to say that it is really easy to believe God when he is moving and speaking, but really tough to believe when he is not.
At the same time something about this poem makes me angry at myself. Think about the person who wrote it. He is a person who is part of Gods chosen people, a person who God seemingly turned his back on, and a person who could be dragged off to a camp and killed any minute. Yet he believes even when he hears nothing, even when all is silent, and even when disaster is on deck. And I have trouble believing when all is well.
God help me to believe when all is well so that I can believe when all is not. I give you my doubt I dont want it anymore...
Now playing: Arcade Fire - Black Mirror